Friday, April 30, 2004
2004 DNC Convention Program
Thanks to time-serving Massachusetts Democratic Party hack Phil Johnston for pointing our attention to this amusing send-up:
2004 DNC Convention Official Program
6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony.
6:00pm - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton
6:30pm - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.
6:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:00pm - Tribute theme to France.
7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.
7:25pm - Tribute theme to Germany.
7:45pm - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore) 8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:30pm - Terrorist appeasement workshop.
9:00pm - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female couples)
9:30pm - * Intermission *
10:00pm - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10pm - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.
10:20pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:30pm - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.
10:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50pm - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.
11:00pm - Multiple gay marriage cermony (threesomes, mixed and same sex).
11:15PM - Maximizing Welfare workshop.
11:30pm - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.
11:59PM - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:00pm - Nomination of democratic candidate.
12:01 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:30 p.m. - Ted Kennedy reenacts Chappaquiddick hijinx; drives Oldsmobile off Zakim Bridge into Charles River.
2004 DNC Convention Official Program
6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony.
6:00pm - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton
6:30pm - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.
6:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:00pm - Tribute theme to France.
7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.
7:25pm - Tribute theme to Germany.
7:45pm - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore) 8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:30pm - Terrorist appeasement workshop.
9:00pm - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female couples)
9:30pm - * Intermission *
10:00pm - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10pm - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.
10:20pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:30pm - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.
10:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50pm - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.
11:00pm - Multiple gay marriage cermony (threesomes, mixed and same sex).
11:15PM - Maximizing Welfare workshop.
11:30pm - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.
11:59PM - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:00pm - Nomination of democratic candidate.
12:01 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:30 p.m. - Ted Kennedy reenacts Chappaquiddick hijinx; drives Oldsmobile off Zakim Bridge into Charles River.
Phil Johnston is an assface
From the Boston Herald:
Dems howl over unGuarded joke
By Elisabeth J. Beardsley
Friday, April 30, 2004
Gov. Mitt Romney's top military official used his state e-mail account to blast out a joke that derides Democrats as flag-burners, mocks Sen. Ted Kennedy's drinking habits, and suggests the Democratic National Convention would host a ``terrorist appeasement workshop.''
National Guard Adjutant General George W. Keefe - who may be called upon to assist in security at this summer's convention - sent the e-mail April 23 at 11:52 a.m. - well within the workday - before meeting the Republican governor at a ceremony marking approval for another year on his term.
Entitled ``2004 DNC Program,'' the mock convention agenda kicks off with an ``opening flag burning ceremony,'' and later refers to ``posting the Iraqi colors,'' a ``Free Saddam pep rally,'' and a re-enactment of Sen. John F. Kerry's ``fake medal toss.''
In between the ``abortion demonstration by NARAL'' and the ``maximizing welfare workshop,'' the mock agenda tees up a ``multiple gay marriage ceremony,'' complete with ``threesomes.'' At six different points, the 25-item mock agenda says: ``Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.''
The Internet joke is making the e-mail rounds in the Romney administration, starting with Department of Public Health employee Will Kingkade, who forwarded it to Keefe.
Keefe, a two-star major general, then did his part by sending it to 17 others, including state workers in the Guard, the Department of Correction and the University of Massachusetts.
Democrats howled for Keefe's head, saying the e-mail raises questions about whether Keefe can be trusted at the helm of an organization that could be charged with helping to protect the Democratic party luminaries and 35,000 delegates.
``He's a public embarrassment, and he ought to resign,'' state Democratic Party Chairman Phil Johnston said. ``It's outrageous that a public employee is spending his time making up ditties about Democrats when he should be doing his job.''
Dems howl over unGuarded joke
By Elisabeth J. Beardsley
Friday, April 30, 2004
Gov. Mitt Romney's top military official used his state e-mail account to blast out a joke that derides Democrats as flag-burners, mocks Sen. Ted Kennedy's drinking habits, and suggests the Democratic National Convention would host a ``terrorist appeasement workshop.''
National Guard Adjutant General George W. Keefe - who may be called upon to assist in security at this summer's convention - sent the e-mail April 23 at 11:52 a.m. - well within the workday - before meeting the Republican governor at a ceremony marking approval for another year on his term.
Entitled ``2004 DNC Program,'' the mock convention agenda kicks off with an ``opening flag burning ceremony,'' and later refers to ``posting the Iraqi colors,'' a ``Free Saddam pep rally,'' and a re-enactment of Sen. John F. Kerry's ``fake medal toss.''
In between the ``abortion demonstration by NARAL'' and the ``maximizing welfare workshop,'' the mock agenda tees up a ``multiple gay marriage ceremony,'' complete with ``threesomes.'' At six different points, the 25-item mock agenda says: ``Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.''
The Internet joke is making the e-mail rounds in the Romney administration, starting with Department of Public Health employee Will Kingkade, who forwarded it to Keefe.
Keefe, a two-star major general, then did his part by sending it to 17 others, including state workers in the Guard, the Department of Correction and the University of Massachusetts.
Democrats howled for Keefe's head, saying the e-mail raises questions about whether Keefe can be trusted at the helm of an organization that could be charged with helping to protect the Democratic party luminaries and 35,000 delegates.
``He's a public embarrassment, and he ought to resign,'' state Democratic Party Chairman Phil Johnston said. ``It's outrageous that a public employee is spending his time making up ditties about Democrats when he should be doing his job.''
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Cingular Sucks, or: An Argument In Favor Of Outsourcing
You're driving to work and you realize you've misplaced your cell phone. You get home that night and can't find it there, either. A light bulb blinks on and you check in the parking lot next to your space. Voila, your Nokia 2200 is lying seemingly intact on the pavement. Oh, good news!
But there's a problem. When you turn it on, the display screen looks like a lava lamp. The phone works, but there's no way to use the display screen. Apparently your neighbor's dog has been using it as a pacifier.
You think: no problem. Your cell phone provider, Cingular, is always advertising all sorts of great deals. Free phones, thousands of free minutes, cheap plans. You'll just give them a call. In no time at all you'll be skipping down the street whistling a happy downloadable tune with a smile on your face like the guy in the Cialus commercial.
After navigating the fiendish voicemail system and several minutes on hold, you're granted the privilege of talking to a somewhat clueless service rep, who starts quoting to you all sorts of outlandish pricetags on phones, prices that Cingular would have neither the balls nor the integrity to use in a commercial. You say, "What can I get for free with an upgrade to a new plan?" Two phones: one Sony-Ericcson, the other Nokia. (Cell phones having the lifespan of fruit flies, the model you bought last May is no longer available.) Since you're familiar with Nokia's interface, you order something called a 6310i. The service rep says you'll receive it within two days.
Two days come and go, and no sign of the phone. You call back and another semi-clueless service rep tells you that they can't precisely track where the phone is. But she tells you that the timeframe to get your phone is three to five days, not the two-day timeframe you were originally quoted. She tells you to call back if you're shit out of luck after five days. She also gives you the e-mail address of the initial service rep.
A weekend passes. Thousands of souls die of natural causes, violent crimes and the fog of war around the world. Babies are born, teams are eliminated from the NCAA's, and John Kerry pronounces his "fascination" with rap music. The sun rises.
You e-mail the original culprit asking for an update. The next day, you receive a semi-intelligible e-mail referencing a "control number" and no other illumination. You try the number on FedEx's site, which says it's no goddamned good.
You call customer disservice and a somewhat less clueless rep informs you that the phone has been returned by FedEx because of "bad address." The initial clueless service rep had entered "Suite 400" instead of "Fourth Floor" at your office building. Apparently Cingular has no internal controls to, like, call the customer back and find out what the right address is in this situation. The semi-apologetic rep says she'll reorder the phone and you'll receive it within a day.
You suggest you might be able to go to your local Cingular store and pick up the phone there. This strikes the service rep as a promising line of attack. You call the nearest store and they inform you that the phone you ordered is no longer available for free, because it's "a new month" (cell phone models, again, having the lifespan of fruit flies, and as luck would have it this is April 1) and they're promoting a new model, which looks pretty crappy based upon a quick glance at the web site.
Your legendarily vast reserves of patience are now starting to deplete. You call customer disservice and ask to speak to a supervisor. (Customer service has gotten so astonishingly abysmal at most companies that some consumer advocates recommend this tactic as your first point of attack, but never mind. Because evil, obnoxious companies like Cingular have begun erecting defenses to this gambit, in their goal of providing you with the shittiest customer service in the history of the planet. The customer disservice rep refuses to connect you with a supervisor until you explain to them your problem. Your problem is you have been unsuccessfully attempting to receive your new phone for the last eight days. The service rep continues to deny you access to someone even incrementally further up the food chain at the call center in Wichita or wherever Cingular works its diabolical mischief. The service rep is unable to FIND ANY RECORD OF THE SECOND ORDER BEING PLACED AT ALL! In short, you're no closer to your goal of the elusive Nokia 6310i than you were a week ago!
You try coercion. You threaten to take your $20 a month to another evil yet clueless cellular provider (and they are legion). You try groveling. The rep. rubs salt in the wound by telling you were never eligible to receive the phone for free in the first place! The rep asks you if the earlier clueless rep had mentioned that you would be charged a $18 "upgrade fee" as punishment for signing up for a new plan that would raise your basic monthly fee from $10.99 to $29.99. (The answer would be no.) The rep. locates a store where you can pick up the phone - but YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY THEM $50 and then they'll.... credit your bill later on (wink-wink). You tell them you don't have $50. The rep. offers to place another order to send you the phone WITHIN FIVE TO SEVEN BUSINESS DAYS!!!!!!!
And because you have been on the phone for 45 minutes and are at this point a mere shell of yourself, a beaten man, a poster boy for the Stockholm Syndrome, you say yes.
But that was then, this is now. Mr. Vengeance is back in town.
CINGULAR BLOWS!!! THE OCEANS WILL RUN RED WITH THEIR BLOOD! I WILL CHOKE THE RIVERS WITH THEIR DEAD!!!
But there's a problem. When you turn it on, the display screen looks like a lava lamp. The phone works, but there's no way to use the display screen. Apparently your neighbor's dog has been using it as a pacifier.
You think: no problem. Your cell phone provider, Cingular, is always advertising all sorts of great deals. Free phones, thousands of free minutes, cheap plans. You'll just give them a call. In no time at all you'll be skipping down the street whistling a happy downloadable tune with a smile on your face like the guy in the Cialus commercial.
After navigating the fiendish voicemail system and several minutes on hold, you're granted the privilege of talking to a somewhat clueless service rep, who starts quoting to you all sorts of outlandish pricetags on phones, prices that Cingular would have neither the balls nor the integrity to use in a commercial. You say, "What can I get for free with an upgrade to a new plan?" Two phones: one Sony-Ericcson, the other Nokia. (Cell phones having the lifespan of fruit flies, the model you bought last May is no longer available.) Since you're familiar with Nokia's interface, you order something called a 6310i. The service rep says you'll receive it within two days.
Two days come and go, and no sign of the phone. You call back and another semi-clueless service rep tells you that they can't precisely track where the phone is. But she tells you that the timeframe to get your phone is three to five days, not the two-day timeframe you were originally quoted. She tells you to call back if you're shit out of luck after five days. She also gives you the e-mail address of the initial service rep.
A weekend passes. Thousands of souls die of natural causes, violent crimes and the fog of war around the world. Babies are born, teams are eliminated from the NCAA's, and John Kerry pronounces his "fascination" with rap music. The sun rises.
You e-mail the original culprit asking for an update. The next day, you receive a semi-intelligible e-mail referencing a "control number" and no other illumination. You try the number on FedEx's site, which says it's no goddamned good.
You call customer disservice and a somewhat less clueless rep informs you that the phone has been returned by FedEx because of "bad address." The initial clueless service rep had entered "Suite 400" instead of "Fourth Floor" at your office building. Apparently Cingular has no internal controls to, like, call the customer back and find out what the right address is in this situation. The semi-apologetic rep says she'll reorder the phone and you'll receive it within a day.
You suggest you might be able to go to your local Cingular store and pick up the phone there. This strikes the service rep as a promising line of attack. You call the nearest store and they inform you that the phone you ordered is no longer available for free, because it's "a new month" (cell phone models, again, having the lifespan of fruit flies, and as luck would have it this is April 1) and they're promoting a new model, which looks pretty crappy based upon a quick glance at the web site.
Your legendarily vast reserves of patience are now starting to deplete. You call customer disservice and ask to speak to a supervisor. (Customer service has gotten so astonishingly abysmal at most companies that some consumer advocates recommend this tactic as your first point of attack, but never mind. Because evil, obnoxious companies like Cingular have begun erecting defenses to this gambit, in their goal of providing you with the shittiest customer service in the history of the planet. The customer disservice rep refuses to connect you with a supervisor until you explain to them your problem. Your problem is you have been unsuccessfully attempting to receive your new phone for the last eight days. The service rep continues to deny you access to someone even incrementally further up the food chain at the call center in Wichita or wherever Cingular works its diabolical mischief. The service rep is unable to FIND ANY RECORD OF THE SECOND ORDER BEING PLACED AT ALL! In short, you're no closer to your goal of the elusive Nokia 6310i than you were a week ago!
You try coercion. You threaten to take your $20 a month to another evil yet clueless cellular provider (and they are legion). You try groveling. The rep. rubs salt in the wound by telling you were never eligible to receive the phone for free in the first place! The rep asks you if the earlier clueless rep had mentioned that you would be charged a $18 "upgrade fee" as punishment for signing up for a new plan that would raise your basic monthly fee from $10.99 to $29.99. (The answer would be no.) The rep. locates a store where you can pick up the phone - but YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY THEM $50 and then they'll.... credit your bill later on (wink-wink). You tell them you don't have $50. The rep. offers to place another order to send you the phone WITHIN FIVE TO SEVEN BUSINESS DAYS!!!!!!!
And because you have been on the phone for 45 minutes and are at this point a mere shell of yourself, a beaten man, a poster boy for the Stockholm Syndrome, you say yes.
But that was then, this is now. Mr. Vengeance is back in town.
CINGULAR BLOWS!!! THE OCEANS WILL RUN RED WITH THEIR BLOOD! I WILL CHOKE THE RIVERS WITH THEIR DEAD!!!
